I have recently ended a relationship with someone I found out was a compulsive liar and cheater. Basically a sociopath.
This frightens me. Again, I attract the most dangerous kind of person, the kind of person I grew up with - deceitful, narcissistic, manipulative. That kind of person resonates with me as home, as baseline, as “safe” or “familiar”. My comfort with sociopaths is in my DNA, my cell memory, my deepest memories. I suckled the breast of and snuggled next to wolves, wolverines, rabid beasts of all sorts. People so damaged and damaging it was normal to duck their punches and suffer their barbs.
He resonated as comfortable. I could relax around him. Perhaps it was because I knew deep down he would betray me, like all others in my life.
I am abundant and kind - two things that draw the selfish like flies. My skills, love, affection, devotion, loyalty, ability to earn a good income, talent, intelligence all draw those who want and need. My capable, helpful nature is a blessing and a curse. My compassion has been worked against me a thousand different ways.
I am amazed people can do this. I am not a liar and I am true of heart. I just am not built for deception or games. I’m incredibly direct. I’m always surprised at the lies that people construct to make themselves feel better about their lives. Why bother?
I was recently attracted to another guy and found out he too was a serial cheater, liar, fraud, etc. I am highly suspect of my ability to find a normal, decent man because that does not seem to be who I have instant chemistry with.
Oh yes, I can tell you the moment I feel that deep narcotic like zing in my nervous system, I know I have just been jabbed deep with a sociopathic attraction. The person on the other end is most definitely going to be crazy, probably criminal in some way, definitely narcissistic and unethical. There will be a great mask and under it such selfish cruelty. This is who I love, who I cling to in the night and believe I am safe and at home. This is who I inevitably catch in some impropriety, series of lies or full out deception. This is who I show what consequences mean, by making sure the truth comes to light. This why I am hard candy. This is why I am alone.
The internet has allowed for rampant narcissism and entitlement. Men who before would never dare cross the lines of their relationship boundaries now do so with a text or IM away. To men these days, there is an endless pool of low self esteem women online, who they can show any version of themselves to, promise anything they will never deliver. Ego cookies, as one site put them - the Chump Lady. So very true.
I wonder why I bother being true of heart, being honest, but I cannot be any other way. I tried, I really tried to be loose with my body and heart but it is not me. I can’t lie because I really don’t have time to keep track of bullshit. But all around me, those who lie and cheat and commit fraud seem to be very happy and successful.
I am worried the next one will kill me - the next person I “fall in love” with. I’m sure my risky nature will up the ante subconsciously and push for someone even more sociopathic. Maybe this one will be the one who ends me.
I am feeling very disappointed and distrustful of just about everyone. I am hurting, feeling so angry for letting this man make me a party to his lies, to hurting his wife. I can’t believe anything anyone says to me these days without verification. I’m twitchy, I’m sad.
This is my lot - truth and solitude. Abundance and selfishness. Betrayal and consequences. Alone, or with the most unsafe person possible.
I really long for a real family, not full of crazy people, narcissists or criminals. I am so angry this person took 3 years of my last child bearing years away from me with his bullshit. I may never get to have the family I want. I am so heartbroken by that fact alone.
What falls away is this - I was true, in intention and action. I was love, honor, truth, kindness. I was real. He was not. I never really knew him. Nothing he told me was true, from the little things up to the most major things. Love is brutal and cruel and dark with a sociopath. There is no end to the depth of his darkness, need, lies. He never saw me, for if he did, he would have known how much his behavior hurt me. Or maybe he did and enjoyed it in some sadistic fashion, punishing me for all women, no women and for just being me.
I hate myself for missing him, from his smell to the sound of his heartbeat through his t-shirt while we nap. I hate that I loved him so much, that I let him in so deeply. It had been a long time since I trusted anyone that way - over a decade.
I may officially be crippled in my heart. My honor has been wounded deeply. My trust annihilated. All I gave was for naught. My vigil of love and patience was a dupe, a con. I wonder how many times he laughed about me behind my back, how he shit talked me to the other women he cheated on me with. How he used my depression as a way to seek sympathy with them, my struggle as a prop for his fucking.
He was never getting divorced. His wife was living with him, and had no idea HE called children’s services on her. He shit talked her so incredibly badly, and none of it was true.
That could have been me, a few years down the road. I could have had children’s services called on me, could have had him shit talking me up even worse, cheating with anything available. I could have been shadowed depressed, subconsciously knowing all this, but making it my fault, my problem, something I had to fix about myself. I could have let a loser like this drive me completely mad, while he was completely unworthy of my time or devotion.
This is what my family, what everyone in my doesn’t understand well about me - I may be super independent but I am also deeply loyal. It took 21 years of my mother beating up to the point of blood and terror, 21 years of berating and insult, 21 years of ego destruction, before I fought back and ran away. It took decades of trying to reconcile before my heart just said “no more, they do not care, you will find no love there”. I have been robbed of knowing my father or his family, so I only have this rag tag bunch of addicts, losers, pedos, deniers and liars to relate to. To say I feel like an alien is an understatement.
All I have ever wanted was a safe place, a home, a family that I could close my eyes around and know they would not bugger me or beat me in the night, they would have my best interests at heart. A family I could serve fully and happily with all my skills and not feel depleted by. A family I could love and be proud of and who would be proud of me.
These very basic things I never got to have. It would be wonderful if I could finally have them in this life, before I die.
I want to resonate with warriors like myself who have had wounds but know who they are, how to be the best of themselves.
A girl can dream…